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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396397">Surviving</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646'>Charlie9646</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BDSM, Established Relationship, F/M, Flogging, Healer Hermione Granger, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trans Male Character, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, pain play</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:54:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,745</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396397</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting through is sometimes harder than you think. Severus and Hermione have been together for a decade, toss in a couple of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and love for one another.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hermione Granger/Severus Snape</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Sevmione Society Writing Challenge</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Surviving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/LumosLyra/gifts">LumosLyra</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes living was as easy as breathing. It’s like nothing ever wrong has ever happened, and the world is a truly wonderful place. But, sometimes, all you could do is survive. Each breath was a battle of its own. Severus Snape was sitting on his bed, legs crossed, cigarette hanging from his lips. Hermione was watching him, silently, glancing at her own fingers as if they were the most interesting in the world.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was wearing nothing but his shirt. It hung off her thin shoulders. Hermione reached for a cigarette of her own, lighting it without a word and breathing in, silver-coloured smoke swirling around both of them. She was lost in her thoughts, though they weren’t good he would bet anything on that, as much as it dismayed him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How was your day?” Severus asked her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> They always started their evenings like this. It was a simple way to gauge how both of them felt. They had once a policy when they began whatever the hell this was total honesty. Not much else they could do their relationship had to be based on trust, and it was the very foundation of it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Same as yesterday and same as the day before, wretched,” Hermione growled, rolling her eyes at him, not really caring what reaction it might cause.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t roll your eyes at me,” he snapped, yanking her cigarette from her hand, sticking it in the ashtray. His hand was twisting tightly into her curls, tugging her head back sharply as he did so. Hermione stared up at him with her warm brown eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s been horrible, </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span>. My mind has been like a spinning top. I can’t stop it, I can’t shut it off, and my nightmares have been far worse than have been in months,” she murmured, staring at the ground. “I didn’t want to say anything to you. You have enough of your own crap to deal with.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Severus let go of Hermione’s hair, causing her to hiss as he did so. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“While that might be the case,” Severus said, lifting her chin with his fingers as he did so. He was pressing his thumb into her bottom lip. “It isn’t your job to worry about such things. It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know that’s easier said than done.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it is,” he whispered, looking into her eyes, “but it’s my job to remind you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Severus kissed Hermione, her lips tasting like the coffee she had after dinner, the fire whiskey he added to it, as he had done to his own, as they always did and the smoke that clung to them both. It was a rather bad habit, but there were far worse things that they could do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>War wasn’t easy to forget, not in the least. It haunted both of their memories, both of their minds. Turning their dreams into horror shows that seemed to exist only to torture them. Leaving them both staring up at the ceiling of their bedroom, or screaming till their throats became raw. Their form of escapism was both the same and yet quite different, that’s how they ended up here, together. It wasn’t their treatment - there were potions for that. No, this was something else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Severus had run into Hermione at a club over a decade ago now, had it really been that long? It didn’t seem like that, but it was. He hadn’t been looking to try again in this sort of relationship or any for that matter. Severus was happy with one night stands. Happy with subs who he didn’t know their last name and honestly did not care to. They were a means to an end, and Severus was the same for them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Until </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> came trampling into his life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Hermione Jean Granger was a pushy </span>
  <em>
    <span>insufferable</span>
  </em>
  <span> know-it-all. But she was beautiful, funny, stubborn to the point of insanity at times, and yet he wanted to call her his own. Severus saw stars in her eyes, and he wanted to drown himself in them. He wanted to call this woman his own and to be hers. Thankfully she desired the same thing. That’s why she was there, that was what Hermione had been looking for.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman who seemed to have everything under control, did not want to have it anymore, at least in some situations. But, because of that, Hermione accepted him as he was, what some might call the things he lacked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was his biggest secret, far more than just about anything had ever been. More than even, Lily’s friendship had once been, even though that was no longer the case to bloody Potter. But, this was far more dangerous than the world, believing that the only woman he ever loved was Lily Evans. It was far worse than them knowing what he liked doing to the woman he took to bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Severus was a trans man.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t that he was ashamed of what he was. That time had long since past. Not wanting your secrets aired for the world to see and self-hatred were not the same thing. Or at least that’s what Severus told himself and tried to believe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sex wasn’t as simple as insert peg A into hole B. Severus could tie Hermione up and have her screaming, pleading, begging, crying out in a haze where pleasure and pain were no longer separate. The two became dance partners of sorts, interweaving in a way that sometimes felt like you couldn’t tell where one began and the other ended though tonight wasn’t one of those nights, not by far. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The look in her eyes said that, the tone of her voice, the way she sat and the fact that she too wanted a cigarette.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No, this was something else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hermione pulled away from him. Reaching down and pulling the whip out from under the bed. She then held it out for him. Severus desperately wished to reach out and brush against her mind. Not digging </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> deep, no that would betray her trust, but just the surface. Seeing and hearing only what Hermione was thinking in this instant, but his promise held steady, stopping him from doing so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No Severus would have to settle for reading Hermione’s face. He reached for the flogger, running a finger over the smooth, well worn brown leather. It felt right in his hands, the weight of it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reached for Hermione, her neck this time, not her hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lay down, on the bed,” Severus said, into her ear, his tone firm and rather sharp. If she baulked, there was something deeper than just echos, and that would make their night a little different.“And take off my shirt.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her fingers were undoing the buttons, though she took her sweet time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sickle for your thoughts, Sev?” Hermione asked, after she threw her shirt on the ground.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> That answered his question, and the wheels of his mind started to turn, not unlike when he worked on a complicated potion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would pay ten thousand pounds for yours,” he muttered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All you have to do is ask,” she said, smiling up at him, placing his fingers onto her cheek allowing him in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> She kissed him, pulling herself into his lap. It made her feel odd to be naked while the man was still fully dressed. Flogger set aside, Severus laid her back on the bed. His hand went up to her inner thigh. Hermione shivered under his touch. The man’s fingers were warm on her skin. She tried desperately to deepen the kiss only to get a small smack and him pulling away and placing his thumb onto her lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kneel at the foot of the bed, now.” It was not a request, but it wasn’t exactly a command either. It just was. It shouldn’t thrill her, being told to do something having control ensnared by someone else, stripped from her, but it did. It was, in a way, her light at the end of a tunnel.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It seemed Hermione was trying to throw him off of what was actually the problem.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ginny, though, thought she was crazy, thought that maybe the best place for her was a ward in Saint Mungos. Just because her friend couldn’t understand it, did make it any more wrong. It wasn’t worse than the fact her friend had been crushing on Harry since she met him, or that Luna and Neville didn’t work out. Somethings were just the way they were, and that was okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was Hermione’s happy place, the ability to leave control in the hands of another. To only have to worry about Severus and know he would worry about everything else. If she wanted to take back control, it was hers to snatch back, not that she would ever really want to. One word and everything would come to a shrieking halt. Not that it was likely to happen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Outside of she was the one in control. Hermione was the who managed their affairs. It was their agreement, their way of surviving, their way of living. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Severus watched her as she knelt at the foot of the bed. The fact that she was allowing him to stay within her mind. It meant that Hermione not only wanted to push her limits, but she also needed him to. He reached for the flogger feeling the weight of it. It felt as if it weighed a ton, control, power, but it was for a reason, not the mere joy of it. Now her troubled thoughts were invading his mind—no longer musings about the past and present.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hermione was mulling over things she should have done better—people she could have saved. She was a healer, for children. There was a boy…No Severus wouldn’t get dragged into it, it was his purpose to help pull her out of it or better yet help Hermione drag herself out of it, Severus was simply the tool to do so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One,” he said softly and swung it softly, getting them both use to the feeling. It left thin red marks on Hermione’s back, causing her to hiss. Severus knew Hermione was likely biting her lips harder enough to cause them to bleed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Knock it off,” Severus growled. “I happen to like that blanket, and it doesn’t need to be covered in your blood. And those lips belong to </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You are allowed to make noise, do so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She let out a sigh and did what she was told. The tension left her shoulders and back. Talking was what truly calmed her. This was just a means to get her to listen and to make sure it sunk in properly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault, you did all you could,” he snarled, after she shoved thoughts of the boy who nearly died today at him, some sort of dark curse being the cause. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Two, three, four, five,” Severus said each time the strips of leather crossed the woman’s back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I should have done better,” Hermione shouted. “If only I would have paid more attention… I could have helped him sooner.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want to know why you are so horrible at defense?” Severus asked her, not expecting an answer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because you think far too much, taking in every single detail thinking about what it might cause and how you should fight it. You end up being too busy thinking about fighting to actually fight someone. While it would make you a terrible Auror, it makes you a good healer. If you didn’t notice what was wrong, no one would. Forgive yourself. Stop carrying the baggage you weren’t meant to carry. How many healers looked him over? The curse specialist? And how many others?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ten. Ten looked him over, including me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, did anyone else notice anything and you told them it was no big deal?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then the blame is on all of you, Hermione, not just yourself,” he said, softly. “Do not pick up the whole burden when it is not yours to carry. How many more do you deserve for what you believe you did?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Twenty,” Hermione muttered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” Severus shot back. “Ten.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fifteen,” they said together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> This way, they both got what they wanted, Hermione got her twenty, and Severus got the fifteen he would have preferred. Their version of splitting down the middle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Severus knelt next to her, thumb pressing into one of the knots in Hermione’s neck. Checking in of sorts, she leaned into his touch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can stop now if you would like,” he murmured, his mental shields raising trying desperately to keep his own balance. Severus did not slip out of Hermione’s mind but gave himself a transparent barrier so he could keep his control.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need this, Sev, I need this more than I need air in my lungs,” she whispered into her arms. “If you need to stop, we can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I am fine,” Severus said, it was true he was fine, as fine as he could be. He went back to where he stood.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Six.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Seven.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hermione let out a whine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Eight.” Severus took a sharp intake of breath, trying to calm himself. Cracking his neck regaining his footing in his mind and hers more firmly than before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest followed in quick succession. Hermione was crying now, and all Severus felt was a tightness in his throat. He had not to allow himself to be pulled in. Because she needed this and he loved her. More than Severus had ever loved anyone. He would love her until the day he died and likely far beyond that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Twenty-three. Twenty-four. Twenty-five,” he sounded off the final ones. “Feel better? Lighter?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I do,” she whispered, her brown eyes vacant, but calmer. Hermione’s own walls around her mind nudged him out softly, though Severus was already pulling from it before she did so. It was no longer needed, and her rules were back in place.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good,” he sighed softly, trying to regain his own stability. It was easier said than done.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Severus reached for a bottle of water, clutching it as tightly as he could, but it still slipped from his fingers crashing to the carpet with a rather loud thump.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Hermione asked, hoarsely, her voice cracking over the simple words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hermione straightened her limbs out, her joints popping as she did so. She was staring at him with her brown eyes as if he was painted by a master artist - taking every single detail of her husband in. As if he were beautiful instead of a skinny scarred man who had survived to wars. Sometimes Severus wished he could see what she sees, even if he wouldn’t believe it. Pulling his shirt on like it was a dressing-gown; it might as well be with how it hung off her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Drop the crap, Mr. I am in control of everything. I have eyes, you know,” she growled. “The game is over, and I know it’s not always easy on you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hermione picked up the water bottle, twisting off of the cap and taking a sip, before handing it to Severus who took it without complaint.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s my job to take care of you,” Severus muttered under his breath, crossing his arms over his chest, trying desperately to shove his own feelings down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, Severus,” Hermione said, placing her hand onto his cheek, her touch steady and warm, he couldn’t stop himself from leaning into it. “It’s our job to take care of each other.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hermione went work on the buttons of his shirt, undoing them, pulling him into a kiss as she did so.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Severus reached up, stopping her from finishing, pulling away from her kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I… I’m not in the right…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t have to finish what he was saying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Headspace?” she asked, “it’s okay. Let’s just go to bed, and you didn’t do anything wrong, you know that, right? There is nothing wrong with not always being alright. Or so you keep reminding me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“As I should, since you can’t seem to remember it,” Severus mused. He undresses silently, laying down under the covers, Hermione joined him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you, know that?” Hermione asked him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do, and I love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> She laid her head on his chest. Severus let sleep overtake him, knowing tomorrow Hermione would be sore and he would need to be there for her, like he always tried to be.</span>
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